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As an adjunct to the Tangents blog, the intention with this forum is to answer any questions, and allow a diverse discussion of topics related photography. With that, see it as an open invitation to just climb in and start threads and to respond to any threads.

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  • I can only presume , there are no togs out there that behave this way..
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited July 2014
    hmmm, reminds me of a Videographer actually that I had the ^&%43%^+..ing misfortune to work with a couple of years back.

    1] Turns up in a white T-shirt with a big 'Skater Dude' logo on front & back, wearing *bright fluro green* boardshorts and thongs - flip-flops to you US people. (I kid you not, that is how he come dressed).

    2] We are in a church, so I am talking to the Priest and he walks straight up to us, does not say hello, kiss my arse or anything, and says loudly over the top of me to the Priest, "Hey mate, where can I set up?"

    3] So he gets his 'professional video gear' which is a Canon 5D MkII, puts it on a tripod and level with the very front pew but in the aisle, then he shines this big kick-ass light straight up into the ceiling (which kills any wide shots I want) and runs the power cord for the light, you guessed it, straight across the aisle to a power outlet, no tape, nothing, black line across the red carpet, very salubrious, not.

    4] During the whole damn ceremony, he sits on the edge of the pew peering at the little LCD screen, and I cannot get wide shots from the back without this asshole's 'fluro' outfit showing up in every shot, until I move in level with him.

    5] So, it's time for the kiss shot, I am ready, long lens to get over this prick's gear, when all of a sudden he jumps up, takes the 'video gear' off the tripod and I kid you not, he actually moves to within 2-3 meters of the couple right in front killing any chance of me getting the shot, as I hurriedly move into a blank space in a pew opposite to grab shots from the side, missing the initial shot.

    6] Call it divine intervention, or karma, or just desserts, but he's walking back when they are finished, and he trips, yep, you guessed it, over his own power cord from the light.
    He lands awkwardly, drops camera, picks it up and puts it back on tripod as if nothing happened.

    7] You should have seen the look on the Priest's face. He is glaring and he is angry, I see veins in his neck thumping.
    He almost whispers but in that harsh Clint Eastwood tone to this guy, and says, "when you are finished interrupting, may I get back to the ceremony?". You could hear a pin drop.

    Priest turns to me, I am very concerned at this stage, but a huge grin comes over his face and he says, "Sir, would you mind taking those kiss shots again, it seems you were interrupted!"

    Would I mind, nope. Guests applaud, couple are laughing, I am grabbing shots by the bucketful and they turn out to be some of the best 'kiss' shots for me ever done in a church.

    I should write a book of the things I have seen during the past 30 years of weddings. But they would put it in the fiction department, some of the things you would not believe.
  • TrevTrev Moderator

    If Stephen would not mind since he started the thread, how about we put those 'funny wedding yarns' in here.

    I kicked it off but I have many to go.

    Teasers:

    1] The drunken brawl, purse-snatching, groom disappears during reception hillbilly wedding

    2] The naked bride/bridesmaids 'getting ready' shots.

    3] The bride's family/mother drunken reception story

    4] The bride who refused to pick up photos of her wedding I had shot (nope, not because I screwed up, something entirely voyeuristic)

    for starters.
  • Hey trev. Go for it. ,,, its good to have some humar in a thread. ,,,,,,,
  • good read, Trev! :D I would like to hear more lol
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited August 2014
    I'd forgotten about this thread.

    Note: All of these happened some years back, couple in fact 20+ years ago, any names used are fake, to protect identities.

    Okie, let's start with 1]

    So I am shooting this wedding and comes the reception time, all is going swimmingly good until it's time for the meals.

    Now this is being held in a community hall in a school grounds so it's not exactly the Hilton, but it's done up fairly nice, as nice as you can get with streamers/flowers stuck to a concrete wall at the back of the bridal table.

    I am sitting off to one side with assistant and the meals are being brought out and everyone starts eating.

    This hall had two massive openings on either side (roller doors) of where the bridal table is and it's still pretty much light outside, when all of a sudden I spot these teenagers outside the hall, thinking they were just curious, since there was a sports ground outside and they had been playing footy or cricket, etc.

    Then 3 of them suddenly run through from one side, and they start snatching handbags off backs of chairs near the front and race outside the other door, really fast.

    The Groom, a fiery little bugger, jumps up, races outside and follows them, of course a few of us get up and go outside to see that he's caught one of them and he's beating the crap out of him, some guests hall him off of the kid who is bleeding profusely from the nose mouth.

    Cops called, they come, they arrest kid, but then of course Groom has to explain why the kid's bleeding.
    So he's had to go to the station to fill out a report and luckily he's only gone an hour.

    Comes back, and things proceed at an exponentially drunken rate, and I mean drunk, so around 10.00 pm it's time to cut the cake, then Uncle "Bob" jumps up, and wants to take pics of cake, yep, you guessed it I kid you not, he rushes forward, trips and there goes the cake, all over the floor.

    Instead of being upset, guests are laughing, Bride is hysterically laughing but I did not see the Groom or groomsmen and wondered where they were.

    Well, no cake cutting, it turned instead of who could pick up the most cake from the floor and toss it around.

    So bride is smeared from head to foot with icing and dark chocolate cake and asks me, as I was starting to pack up thinking I will act like a bunch of pigeons and get the flock out of here, to take some shots of her and Groom, but still no sign of him nor groomsmen, they disappeared, and no one seemed concerned.

    I go home, and it was 2 days later that I found out what had happened to Groom and his henchmen, they, in a drunken state, decided to catch a Taxi and go to the local nightclub, and he got back home (they had a house and were only going to go there after wedding) to the 'waiting bride' at 4.00 am, smelling of grog, perfume, and lipstick all over his white shirt.

    Not a happy bride, 6 weeks later, yep, separated, then got back together around a month later, and here's the kicker.

    Groom complained to me when they got the photos a couple of weeks after wedding and before the break up, where's the ^&%*ing cake shots?

    I just shook my head, and said, 'ask your wife' and walked away, never saw them again.
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited August 2014
    continuing . . .

    2] The naked bride/bridesmaids getting ready shots.

    A long time back I had this wedding out in the country and I had to go to a Motel (something that was right out of 'Norman Bates Physco' movie) so I knocked on door to be greeted by a beautiful young lady dressed in a towel, she invites me in. (dream on, not happening dude :)

    I go inside and thought they were all in underwear with towels on, just needing to get dressed, bride and 3 bridesmaids, not a biggie.

    I get my camera out, and start to get some settings and they are all laughing and drinking champers and I think this should be a fun wedding party, then I spot the almost empty champers bottle on dresser, but out of the corner of my eye I see *two* empty bottles discarded on the floor, penny drops why they are 'happy'.

    Not a good sign I am starting to think.

    So, they are standing at the foot of the bed, drinking laughing, wrapped in towels, when suddenly one of the bridesmaids whips her towel off, she is absolutely starkers, naked, birthday suit, damn.

    But then as quickly as that happened, she grabs the towel of the bride, yanks it off and she too is naked, but then she pushes the bride backwards onto the bed, legs/arms akimbo.

    Now ladies, you know there is such a thing as a 'man look' as in you know when a man goes to the pantry, fridge and starts to 'look' for something for 2-3 minutes and cannot 'find' it until wife/partner in frustration gets up, goes to the place and finds it in 2 seconds flat and gives you that withering 'you are blind' look.

    Well, I am guilty of 'man looking' at home, but in that room in that split second when the towels come off, in just 1 nanosecond I had seen it all, but just pretended to be 'setting up' the camera.

    They quickly grab towels of course and this cheeky bridesmaid says to me: 'Did you take a photo'

    I says 'huh, ahh no', still fiddling with my camera's 'settings'.

    She says laughing, well you should have, because she took one of you.

    After shooting when things settle down, I go to church, waiting nervously, wondering what the hell will walk in as in the state of the girls.

    You know, I was amazed, they got to church, 20 mins late, but not a hint of being drunk, just demure smiles as they walked down the aisle, fresh as a daisy.

    And yes, it was a fun wedding by the way.
  • LOL very funny! Good share!!!!
  • Trev... your stories are amazingly funny. Can't wait for me. I see a book in your future my friend!!
  • Can't wait for "MORE" that is...
  • Waiting anxiously for #4 in your list!!
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited August 2014

    # 4 short and sweet. Happened around 15 years ago.

    I shoot this wedding, all goes well, I have photos ready 3 weeks later waiting to be picked up so I call bride, leave a message, but in meantime I had already sent a couple of small shots in email through to her as 'teasers'.

    3 days pass, I call again, leave another message, nothing.

    Man, brides are really anxious to get prints so it's a WTF is going on.

    In meantime I also had emailed twice to let her know I was done.

    So a full week had passed, I call, this time she answers and I tell her who is calling and why.

    She just blurts out, "I don't want the photos."

    Wow! I could hear something very wrong in her voice so I calmly asked 'are you all right'.

    She bursts into tears and I hear her say something to another person, then this other lady comes on and says it's her mother.

    Obviously I ask is something wrong, thinking the pics I had sent through were a problem, but really knowing they were stunning but you know you have the niggling doubt in your mind.

    Mum says no, pics were great but, and here is the very sad tale.

    Apparently, the Groom had been having an affair with the chief bridesmaid for months, and she found out a week after the wedding. Not only that, but he also had a little liaison on the wedding night with her in the park outside of venue.

    What a slimeball and that bridesmaid should be taken out and smacked up the side of the head with a lump of 4x2 timber.

    So that was it, they divorced a couple of months later.

    Around 3 years later I happened to see the ex-bride, and she seemed really happy, she was with a new guy, and he come from New Zealand, and she went back there for the wedding ceremony.

    All's well that ends well I suppose. :(

    Oh, I also had my money paid up in front. Now that's a story that ends well. :)
  • Wow... unbelievable. What a crazy world we live in sometimes.
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited August 2014
    # 3 is pretty long, shall write in next couple of days.

    But here is a précis of what is in story.

    Drunks
    Hot Beer
    Cold Food
    Police car chases
    Absconding to another State
    Bride's mother fights bride's dad
    Drunken Best Man speech (made by a stand-in Best Man - as in ME)
    Groom's mother's own reception after the 'official' reception.
    Movie Theatre
    Spewing in movie isle

    Loads of fun for the family, and yep, 'G' rated, lol.

  • hehe :) great night time read before bed!
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited August 2014
    # 3 another story to warm the cockles of your heart, and yes it's long.

    This happened a very long time ago, when I was just starting shooting, and in my early 20's.

    I was invited to a mate's wedding (who shall remain nameless) and he asked if I could just shoot a couple of shots after the ceremony outside of the bridal party, just as a favour as they had no photographer.

    A friend of mine was also invited so we decided to go together and back then 99% of weddings were in the church and custom dictated that the bride's family sat on one side of church and groom's on the other.

    So we rocked in, and I noticed there were extremely few people on the bride's side but a lot on the groom's side and did not really think much of it.

    Anyhow ceremony went off fine, we went outside, I set the bridal party up and took some shots etc. and that was it.

    Generally speaking back then any 'professional' photos were done in a studio and since this was not the case we went directly to the bride's parent's place for the reception, around 3.00 pm, ceremony had been at 1.00 pm, very early even for back then.

    The reception being a private residence in a suburb and a lot of the houses back then were 'Queensland Style', up on stumps/piers for the cool air to circulate beneath.

    This was in the middle of January (summer here) and it was as hot as hades, and also the general attire was suits, so being already hot, we were aghast that 3 sides of the underneath of the house had been 'wrapped' in a heavy canvas tarpaulin, probably in the 6gazillion oz. range, *nothing* was going to get through that sucker, including breeze.

    Anyhow as we walked in I could see a lot of the bride's family standing around a table drinking beer and eating food.

    Apparently they had started festivities around 9.00 am in the morning and that's the reason they did not bother to go to the church, very nice. :(

    So mate and I went up to the table and we saw a hole pile of eskies full of beer, but, they had only just put the hot beer into the ice, they had drunk all the cold stuff (apparently around 10 cartons with 24 tinnies to a carton), and then I noticed all the chicken bones, crusts of pizzas, etc. WTF?

    Not only had all the cold beer been drunk, they also had eaten all the hot food, leaving cold sandwiches and hot beer.

    Being young fellas, thought we'd give drinking warm piss a go (huge mistake) and had some sandwiches, apparently people were upstairs doing some more cooking.

    We were then asked to be seated, as the bridal party arrived, so there we were under the house in the sauna, still drinking hot beer, and the bridal party arrived and were seated.

    Nothing seemed to be happening, and I leaned over to ask the groom's mother, she was seated close to me, what were they waiting for. She said they were waiting for the Best Man, the bride's brother, to arrive.

    Ten minutes of sweat pouring out, uncomfortable silence, hot beer just starting to chill, not starting to feel really good at all Madge as we had been there for around 2 hours.

    Then I could hear sirens in the distance on the street outside, so any excuse to get up and out of the sauna, mate and I sauntered outside to see an old Toyota 4WD coming tearing along the road, and to our surprise, he yanked the wheel and come roaring into the yard we were in, and we could hear the wailing of police sirens in the distance still.

    The guy gets out, he's all dressed up in a suit wearing a lapel flower, so we guessed he was the missing Best Man, the bride's brother.

    Well, he races up stairs, all in a lather and his vehicle was parked behind some bushes out of sight, then 3 police cars came screaming past full of coppers not looking happy.

    Mate and I just look at each other in our drunken state and cheer and give the cops a polite wave. They just kept on going.

    So around 4 minutes later, by this time all the guests are outside on the lawn watching the receding taillights of the cop cars in the distance, then the best man comes running back down the stairs.

    Folks, have you ever seen a movie when someone packs a suitcase in a hurry and there are some clothes hanging out the sides, I kid you not, still in his suit, carrying the suitcase with sleeves hanging out he charges past us all and says:

    "I am getting the hell out of here, the cops are after me."

    No shit Sherlock, really, what gave the game away, the sirens, the lights, cars full of angry looking cops, don't know why he thought that?

    Anyhow, he takes off, and we found out later on he left Queensland and went to Western Australia, on the other side of the country over 4000km away (3685 miles) and he did not come back for 3 years.

    To this day we still do not know what the cops wanted him for, certainly was not a parking ticket that's for damn sure.

    Back to the sauna we all go, and Groom comes up to me and states the bleeding obvious, 'the Best Man is not here, will you please stand in for him and do the speeches?'

    Well, how could I refuse, mate and I are pissed and laughing our stupid heads off, and I stupidly agree.

    By this time at least the beer was cold, and they had some hot food, but the damage had already been done I am afraid to say, and that went for many of the guests, I saw plenty of 'laughing at the grass' during the night but mate and I managed to hold off.

    I get up to do the speech, and I thought I was Edgar Allen Poe, my speech was flowing majestically with plenty wit and humour (so I thought) crowd was laughing and silly thoughts of 'public speaking' entered my head for a living.

    What a tool, apparently I slurred, stuttered and stumbled a whole load of crap, bringing up things mate had done which did not go down too well with the new wife, about other women. Hah! He should never have asked me to stand in.

    Well, with the speech out of the way, I decided that things were going from bad to worse, so stopped drinking, and had more food, at least it was hot and we just chatted away.

    By this time it was dark and it had cooled down a bit, but tempers were flaring outside with the relatives of bride, and of course, the inevitable happened, huge brawl. Mate and I just sat looking at the spectacle laughing our stupid heads off and finally peace prevails.

    Later we could hear yelling upstairs between a man and a woman, now the funny thing is the bride's father was a small guy and her mother was a plus size lady, and by chance my mate and wife mirrored her parents, she was a bigger girl, he was 70Kg wringing wet.

    Next thing we all hear this 'smack' then a large thud as if someone had fallen, next minute the bride's sister, who was really huge comes lumbering down the stairs and says to the rednecks outside:

    'Got any ice (in a very hoarse voice like a truckie) Mum has knocked Dad out. Again!!!
    Yep, she paused and actually said 'again' as if it was a common practice.

    Well, of course being all drunk, we all applaud and cheer, like idiots but he was all right, just came downstairs later and started to drink again as if nothing happened, with this huge 'shiner' on his eye. Ahhhhhh, domestic bliss.

    Coming to the amazing part of Groom's mother's 'reception' offer. I saw her whispering to a lot of her son's friends and she would only stop and talk to them. Of course we were curious and finally she comes to mate and I and says:

    "I knew this reception would be a farce, if you would like to come to my place after, we have lots of hot food, all catered, lots of cold beer, spirits."

    WTF??? Why did she not tell us before, we could have saved ourselves a lot of grief, damn man was that a cruel ironic twist to the reception or what?

    Continue next post.
  • TrevTrev Moderator
    edited August 2014

    continuing, ran out of 'characters' sorry.


    Well, of course we thought why not, it was still only early, around 8.30 pm, most of the guests (the sober ones) had left in disgust, the redneck 'rellies' were mostly passed out on the lawn, so mate and I decided to leave.

    Driving was most certainly out of the question, so we called a cab and drove back into town thinking of going to THE 'reception'.

    Of course, things did not go according to plan, still very drunk, we had to pass through the middle of the town to get to the other side where groom's mum lived, and as we drove along we passed a movie theatre and it was showing a new movie we had been waiting to see.

    Well, the 'brains trust' not thinking clearly, thought it would be a good idea to then go to the movies instead of the reception..... Alas, proved to be a bloody huge mistake as I said up above when drinking hot piss.

    We start to walk in, and the guy who ran the place saw us coming, it was a long corridor to the actual theatre, and he challenged us not to be disruptive, annoying, etc. etc. (who us?).

    Yeah yeah, we assured him we were fine, and since we had already purchased the tickets at the entrance he decided to let us in. Huge mistake on his part.

    In we go, we sit down just in time to see the very start of the main feature (back then you got 2 movies and first had finished) and we were congratulating ourselves on the 'perfect' timing.

    So I lean back, look at the huge screen, all the bright colours, uh oh! Not good Madge, head spinning, eyes blurring, feeling definitely crook. I hear my mate say, &*$$ this, I am going home and he gets up.

    Well, sad to say 'it' happens, I am staring at the carpet and 'laughing my guts' out all over the floor.

    I hear screams and it's poor old Gordon, the manger comes racing down, grabs me by the hair and drags me outside.

    I am a bloody sorry mess, and I go home.

    Well the story does not end there, honestly, to this day, I blame the 'mayonnaise' that was on the salad for my predicament, and I did not drink at all for *5 years* true, and to this day 4 decades later, I still refuse to eat mayonnaise.

    But, story continues. 2 weeks later I run into another mate of mine and ask him how his job was going.

    He had not long got a new job, guess where? He was the film projectionist at the movie theatre we went to (did not go back to that place for over 6 months also).

    He says to me: 'Oh it's really good, except around 2 weeks back some filthy, dirty rotten bastard mongrel spewed all over the floor and Gordon made me clean it up.'

    Silence, the pins drops and I could hear it hit the floor, but calm as a cucumber I just say, 'that dirty bastard, do you know who it was?'

    'No' he says, 'and if I ever catch the prick I will rub his nose in it.' (he was an Australian Judo champ and I was not about to blurt out my sins to him, that's for sure).

    To this day, he does NOT know it was me, but I have not seen him either for around 15 years.

    That was my foray into a redneck reception and it's aftermath.

    Cheers,
    'Sober' Trev.
  • North Qld is special kind of place, isn't it Trev?

    Perhaps the bride's brother said something bad about the Maroons. I hear that warrants a lynching north of the border ;-P
  • Neil vNNeil vN Administrator
    edited September 2014
    "Froooow Knooows Foh-toh" ... I still can't get past his intros - they grate - but his rant about Ken Rockwell was a pure joy.

  • "Hey Ken you wanna come on my show..." lol
  • I love Ren Kockwell...funniest man in photography. Want to head down the wrong path? Read his advice!
    But I am certain he makes $ off his site...
  • "Blame Rockwell, Blame Rockwell, Blame Ken Rockwell"....LOL
  • Thanks for sharing Neil... the "RANT" starts at 39:14. Just thought I'd share so you don't have to hunt around for it.
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